I’m often asked for tips about how to run successful family meetings. The questions usually focus on matters of logistics: choosing the right venue; selecting the appropriate attendees; structuring the most effective agenda; and finding the best time. While these are all important matters, not surprisingly, the inquiries typically ignore the critical and most challenging element: how to manage the conversation itself.
You know how family is: even the most thoughtful among us can say things we later regret, or hear things that sting more deeply than they should.
In families, the hardest conversations are often not about what’s being said; instead, they’re about the layers that exist behind and underneath what’s being said — unspoken expectations, old disappointments, unhealed emotions, resentments that have brewed and fermented for decades. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, there’s an underlying affection that hides behind the frustration. In short, as Faulkner wrote in Requiem for a Nun: “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”
When those layers collide, even the most thoughtful among us can find ourselves saying things we later come to regret, or hearing things that sting more deeply than they should. Over the years, I’ve tried to help families adhere to three rules that I believe provide hope for driving not just more successful formal family meetings, but more fruitful daily family interactions as well. I’ve tried to apply them in my life within my own family and in my professional life as well. Because I suffer from the literally fatal flaw we all do — I’m human — I’m not always successful. But when I am able to follow these rules, I find that I benefit immensely.
Here are the three rules I suggest families follow.
1. Take a Beat
Viewers of that great police procedural TV show Blue Lights about three probationary officers in the Police Service of Northern Ireland and the senior officers who train them will immediately recognize that line as the guiding mantra of Gerry Cliff. (And by the way, if you haven’t seen the show, you must — it’s fabulous. You’ll thank me later.) It’s a deceptively simple rule, and it has application not just for managing conversations but for all of life: before responding, before acting, take a beat.
When a family member says something that triggers us, our body reacts before our brain has had a chance to interpret. Our pulse races, our breath quickens, our mind goes into battle mode. That’s evolutionary human biology at work: fight or flight; amygdala firing before the prefrontal cortex engages.
Taking a beat interrupts that reflex. It gives the rational, empathetic part of our mind time to catch up with the emotional side. It provides the space in which we can shift from reaction to reflection.
The pause doesn’t have to be long. It can be as brief as one breath — or a simple, “Let me think about that for a second.” In that small space, we regain composure; move from being swept away by emotion and biology to the realm of intentionality and rational thought.
And that single act — choosing with intentionality— has the potential to change everything. It signals calm, models self-control, and can create a space where others are invited to meet us on the same ground.
2. Stress Test What You Are About to Say
Before speaking, run a quick internal check by asking three powerful questions:
- Do I need to say it?
Not every statement, even if true, is helpful. We don’t always need to be right. Sometimes communication requires contraction, and that may mean just not saying it at all. Ask whether saying it serves the relationship — or whether saying it is only in service of winning a debate.
- Do I need to say it now?
Timing is a crucial and controllable variable in communication. A true and necessary observation, delivered at the wrong moment, can do more harm than good. Sometimes, what needs to be said will be heard best later — after emotions settle and receptivity returns.
- Do I need to say it this way?
The words we choose, our tone of voice, our pacing, our body language, all determine whether our message is interpreted as guidance or judgment, empathy or condescension. Tone can heal or harden. Choose kindness over cleverness, warmth over wit, empathy over one-upmanship.
This three-pronged stress test can operate as a remarkably effective filter. It’s a way of ensuring that what leaves our mouth is aligned with what we most want to accomplish, which is to strengthen the relationship at issue.
3. Keep to Your Compass Heading — the Rest Is Weather
Every family has its weather: sudden squalls, long dry spells, even a hurricane or two. Sometimes, warm sunny days. We can’t control family weather any more than we can control the weather in nature, but we can keep our compass heading.
Our heading is our core set of values — kindness, generosity, empathy, loyalty, steadiness, respect, authenticity, love. These are constants. The weather — moods, misunderstandings, frustrations, disappointments — is variable.
When we keep the distinction in mind and remind ourselves which is which, we lessen the extent to which we’re tossed about by every gust of emotion. Our rudder becomes principle, not provocation.
That doesn’t mean being passive or detached. It means staying centered even when — especially when — others aren’t at their best. It means refusing to let temporary storms cause permanent damage.
In practical terms, it looks like this:
- When someone else raises their voice, we should try to lower ours.
- When the conversation veers toward accusation, try to bring it back to understanding.
- When others get lost in the moment, hold to the long view.
Consistency builds trust — not perfection. We can’t promise our loved ones that we’ll get it right every time; but when they know our compass points and see us steering by them with constancy, it brings trust and stability.
Putting It All Together
These three rules work together and synergistically.
Taking a beat creates space.
Testing your words brings clarity.
Keeping to your compass heading restores balance.
Together, they shift conversations from reactive to reflective, from defensive to connective.
They teach that managing family communication isn’t about control — it’s about steadiness. The truth is families aren’t problems to be solved; they’re ecosystems to be tended. The best they can do is learn to navigate the weather with patience, grace, and a steady hand on the wheel.
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