According to the National Retail Federation, American consumers spent an average of $143.56 on last year’s Valentine’s Day, totaling at a candy-heart attack producing $19.6 billion. (Up more than a billion dollars from V-Day spending the year before.)
Which is totally cool. We love love and you should definitely feel empowered to spend a lot of cash on the object of your affection, with the hopes of expressing your devotion. But wouldn’t it be just as, if not, even more, economically and emotionally fulfilling to spend barely anything at all on the object of your ire—in an unambiguous declaration of hate?
Well then do we have an idea for you! According to Insider, the Hemsley Conservation Centre (HCC) launched a Valentine’s Day initiative that lets people name a cockroach after the ex for just £1.50 GBP—or just under $2.
And petty people who are still on good terms with their exes can get in on the action, too. The HCC’s website suggests that interested parties could also “name a cockroach in honor of your friend’s worthless ex-‘someone’ on this special holiday of love.” Because that guy was the worst.
Hemsley Conservation Centre is letting people name a cockroach after their exes and shit for $2 this Valentines Day and honestly this is the best idea I’ve ever come across. Someone is PETTY and I love it
— Aly 𓆉 (@AlysanIsBoss) January 29, 2019
The only downside is that you won’t be able to send your ex pictures of the certificate as a part of your holiday celebration.
“Please note that the cockroaches name will not appear on the certificate. We don’t want to fuel a fire, so this is a keepsake for you or your friend,” the HCC writes, adding the comfort that, “Your cockroaches name will, however, appear on our roach board at the cockroach enclosure at the HCC.”
Which, honestly, might be for the best.
The Bronx Zoo has a similar, albeit more expensive, offer—although it’s being marketed as a romantic gift for the one you love. For $15 you can name a hissing cockroach after a significant other because, according to the Zoo’s website, “After the chocolates have been eaten and the flowers wilt, roaches remain thriving and triumphant.”
For those still looking for revenge who either find cockroaches kind of cute or need tangible evidence of their anger, might we suggest trying to win your ex a bottle of Heinz ketchup flavored caviar? That sounds irrefutably disgusting, right?